Ross Lincoln for President of Birthdayland

Ross Lincoln is running for President of Birthday. I’m not sure who the other nominees are, whether the position has even a semblance of prestige, or whether the Presidency grants you any powers otherwise unavailable to mortals. As far as I can tell, the President of Birthday is little more than a figurehead, and I ask you, who better to be a figurehead than Ross Lincoln? Where actions are unnecessary and speeches plentiful, there Ross Lincoln stands head and shoulders above the competition. And what of his competition? It seems Ross has run a campaign so strong that it has rendered his competition invisible! Going into the election, May 3rd, Ross is the clear frontrunner for the Presidency, and with Drunken Dance Party right around the corner, his momentum seems unassailable. With gas prices hovering over four dollars a gallon, HBO appearing to have exhausted its well of quality tv shows, and Miley Cyrus showing us–over and over again–that she’s all grown up, vote for someone who has no intention of doing anything about that. Vote for a man who’s primary concern is making sure the playlist is top-notch. Elect Ross Lincoln President of Birthday at Drunken Dance Party… if you can find parking.

Yesterday morning 1991 called me.

Yesterday morning, 1991 called me. Luckily it called me on my VOIP program, Gizmo5, and I was able to record the call and transcribe it for you. What follows is an accurate transcription of that telephone call.

1991
Is this Earnest?

Earnest
Yes, Speaking.

1991
Hey, Earnest, this is 1991, and I was calling to inquire about the possibility of my resuming ownership of those track pants…

Earnest
Excuse me?

1991
I was wondering if I could get those track pants back.

Earnest
I’m not sure what you’re talking about.

1991
Come on, man. You know. Your aunt gave them to you two years ago. They make you look like either Rob Base or DJ EZ Rock. They make that vwhip-vwhip sound when you walk.

Earnest
OK, so I suppose I do know which pants you’re referring to. What do you need them for?

1991
Let me answer your question with another question. How ya livin’?

Earnest
What?

1991
How ya livin’?

Earnest
What?

1991
In Living Color.

(17 seconds of silence.)

1991
I’m sorry. It’s just been so long.

Earnest
Why do you need these pants back?

1991
I’m going into training… I’m thinking of making a comeback.

Earnest
You’re kidding!

1991
No, I mean, I was pretty good the first time around, right? Married With Children. Simpsons bootleg T-shirts, Nirvana and Metallica– not to mention the good Gulf War!

Earnest
And don’t forget that recession.

1991
That was a low blow. Just give me back the pants. I need them more than you…. Unless you’re trying for the anachronistic drug dealer look. Need a pager?

Earnest
I think I’m going to keep them, but if you happen to see 1998, tell him I’ve got some shiny club shirts he can have back. Actually, you know what? You can have the pants.

1991
Really?

Earnest
Not!

At that point 1991 hung up the phone, and I checked to make sure that my 1991 track pants still fit and looked just as cool now as they did back in the day.

Transcript of interview with kid who got a butter knife stuck in his head.

A kid got a butter knife stuck in his head and end up on morning news shows, this week. I managed to transcribe one of the interviews. This starts just as the show comes back from break.

Wendy and Charlie, morning news anchors, are seated at the newsdesk.

Wendy

I’m Wendy May, and thank you for watching Good Morning to News. OK, next up, we have our exclusive interview with the–

Charlie begins cracking up.

WENDY

Stop that.

charlie

I’m sorry… I was reading ahead. I’ll stop.

WENDY

As I was saying… our exclusive interview with the kid who has a butter knife stuck in his (she starts giggling)…. Now, I’m doing it. Thanks, Charlie. OK, the kid with the butter knife stuck in his head.

CHARLIE

Hey, don’t forget to ask if it makes it easier for him to get the point.

Wendy stares at Charlie.

CHARLIE

See? Get it? Because there’s a knife, and–

WENDY

–I get it.

Gary (O.s.)

Hey, ask if it was brainless steel.

Charlie and Wendy give death stares to Gary, who’s standing in front of a green screen. The weather map turns on behind him.

CHARLIE

Hey, listen, Gary, when we need a joke from you, we’ll ask for your resume, OK?

Gary’s smile fades. We return to the newscasters.

WENDY

OK, I believe we have Greg, the kid with a butter knife sticking out of his head via satellite from his home. Good morning, Greg!

Greg appears onscreen. He’s a young teenager with a butter knife sticking out the back, right side of his head. Wendy stares for a second and then breaks out in hysterics. Charlie never had a hope of keeping a steady face.

WENDY

Turn it off! Turn it off!

Greg disappears.

WENDY

That kid has a butter knife… sticking out of his head!

She’s regains her composure.

WENDY

OK, turn it back on. I’m ready. I’m better.

Greg is back onscreen, but the image is snowy.

WENDY

It’s a little…

Greg’s mother enters next to him and begins adjusting his head.

mother

Just a minute.

As she turns his head completely sideways, knife sticking straight up in the air, the image becomes crystal clear.

MOTHER

Better.

Wendy nods.

WENDY

Thank you, but it looks like we’re out of time. (turning to main camera) What a brave, little boy.

CHARLIE

A profile in courage, indeed.

GARY (O.S.)

Hey, it’s too bad you didn’t get to ask the dad how he supports his knife and kids!

Wendy and Charlie glare at Gary again.

CHARLIE

Hey, we’re trying to run a professional newscast here, OK, Gary?

Gary’s had enough.

GARY

Hey, I’m a person, too. I may not have a butter knife sticking out of my head, but I deserve just as much respect as someone who does!

Gary presses some buttons on his weather remote device, and all the suns become rainclouds.

GARY

What do you think about that?

CHARLIE

(sad)

I was going to go on a picnic tomorrow….

And then they cut to a commercial