Midseason Replacement

Earnest Pettie, comedy writer

Wheat Germ With Sex Appeal

Why is it that on every visit to the health food grocery store, you, the health conscious consumer, are confronted by a staff resembling creatures who live in caves. You’d like to think that by purchasing tons of organic spaghetti, you will be eating your way to a longer, fuller life, but around every corner waits a translucent clerk with a thatch hairdo, whose clearly visible circulatory system belies your hypothesis! I would encourage local health food groceries everywhere to take their cues from Budweiser.

Budweiser (and other beer companies) learned a long time ago that employing pretty women to represent their product was at least as good an idea as the beechwood aging process. They use healthy-looking people to make their unhealthy product seem better. What would be wrong with using healthy-looking people to make a healthful product seem like what it already is? Would it hurt a health food store to have someone who looked to be full of life wandering around their store handing out samples? If a swimsuit-clad model told me that she maintained her figure by eating Whole Grain Oreos, I’d be inclined to believe her. And if she said that she dunked those oreos in Whole Wheat Budweiser, I’d still be inclined to believe her. On the other hand, if a ghastly apparition wearing a clerk’s apron suggested that organic wheat shakes would allow me to live as healthily as he lived, I’d probably shine a light on him, run the other way, and take up cigars. Probably.

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This entry was posted on June 24, 2005 by in Little Ideas and tagged .

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