Midseason Replacement

Earnest Pettie, comedy writer

Two Men and a Van

That’s the name of a moving company, and it’s also typical of the descriptions you might read on Craigslist while trying to find a mover. I think it should be the name of an etiquette service. Intimidation is a powerful tactic; it’s the sort of thing that keeps high school freshmen from stepping on their high school seals for fear of recieving the dreaded swirly. All too often, intimidation is used toward nefarious ends, but it has the potential to be used for good.

Consider John Q. Everyman. Mr. Everyman is a well-meaning guy, but he can’t go a week without saying something that causes his girlfriend to explode. He knows he’s tripped the wire without even checking. It’s his own fault, he learned to speak before he learned to think, and that formed a habit he’s never been able to break. What if there were two burly guys wearing tuxedos and mirrored sunglasses to help him break the habit. Everytime he started to speak, he’d hear one of the gentlemen smack a fist into a palm, remembering a severe beating administered the previous week, reminding him to take just one moment longer to actually think. You might be wondering where the van comes into play. It’s for special occassions. When the client, in this case Mr. Everyman, forgets certain occassions that demand attention, the two men open the back doors of the van, toss Mr. Everyman inside, and explain the finer details of being a considerate gentleman.

Sometimes Two Men and a Van aren’t enough. Take for instance, the increasing agitation within the Fundamentalist Christian community. These days, they are flexing their muscles like a young Arnold Schwarzeneggar applying for a greencard. Recently, the community reduced Tulsa to a laughingstock by demanding that the zoo install a Creation-themed exhibit. In this case, the community is too large to be helped by two men and a van. That’s when you contact Two Men and a Van’s sister company, Bullies on a Bus. Bullies on a Bus are trained in etiquette, Tae Bo, group counseling, and boxing. Bullies on a Bus would need little more than a week to help the Fundamentalist Christian community understand that often you must consider the needs of the many over the whims of the few.

This idea really should start to gain some kind of traction. It’s application could be widespread. Consider our President. He is constantly surrounded by large men. He’s also prone to malapropisms that make his nation cringe and his school teachers cry. If every time the President began to look a tiny bit befuddled, a secret service agent pointed at him and made a gesture to indicate “I will punch you in the eye,” maybe that would encourage the President to invest in a few bottles of Focus Factor.

Two Men and a Van, making society more tolerable, one beatdown at a time.


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This entry was posted on July 25, 2006 by in Uncategorized.

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