Earnest Pettie, comedy writer
As Greg has delicately and gracefully pointed out at The Talent Show (1,2), we have a space shuttle problem. In a nutshell, we are rolling through the stars in twenty year old wheels! I remember being embarrassed to drive my first car, an eighteen-year-old 1978 Toyota Celica. That was way back in 1996! No matter how cool you are outside your car, once you step into a twenty year old car, you have little more status than an Okie in L.A. Really, the only way you end up driving a twenty year old car is by someone else’s getting rid of that car in favor of the car that you will end up envying as it pulls up alongside you at a stoplight. You stare at that car in awe. You can’t believe that someone is driving that car. The guy in the other car stares at you in awe, also unable to believe that someone is driving that car. Well, the time has come for us to get rid of our jalopies, and I know just how to make the best of the situation.
Saddam Hussein was content to hide out in his palaces, playing tag with his body doubles, preserving his country’s image as a rogue nation with nuclear ambitions. He didn’t care that his nuclear program consisted of a microwave with aluminum cans. It was maintaining the facade that was important. That big boy image is what drives North Korea, India, Pakistan, and all the other nations with nuclear aspirations. Never mind that their technology is roughly the equivalent of Betamax VCRs, their missiles as precise as a drunk guy aiming at a toilet. So you know what? Let’s give those rogue nations our space shuttles.
We’re not just going to pull up in their palacial driveways dropping foam and tiles all over the place. We’re going to pimp their rides!
Off come any flag decals and on go large decals bearing the dictators’ faces. They love to have their faces on things. It’s so much more expensive than buying mirrors, but what’s a few bucks here and there? Out comes any top secret technology, and in goes Sirius Satellite Radio and a Playstation (the old one not the new one which is too dangerous). And no pimpin’ would be complete without the requisite rims.
As any person who has ever owned a decades old rustbucket will tell you, it takes a lot of time and money to keep those cars up and running. Better those countries should pour resources into keeping their shuttles up and running than building nuclear power plants, right? And what could be cooler than the day when we pull up to the International Space Station, rolling in our new Mini Space Cooper, look to our left and see our old friend Endeavor with the hood up and an embarrassed pilot doing a space walk to the far side of the shuttle trying to hide behind a fin.