Earnest Pettie, comedy writer
Between being bogged down with work and keeping up with domestic activities, like lawnmowing and updating Myspace pages, parents in the near future will be far too busy to keep their friends and families abreast of their new baby’s oh-so-adorable first words and so-so-surprising first steps. In fact, they will be too busy to have the time to spare to actually take notice of those things. As a result the baby publicist is an inevitability.
Baby publicists fulfill the same duties as our favorite celebrities’ PR people do now. They keep everyone abreast of the baby’s latest activities, make sure that the baby is seen with the right other babies, and cover the fallout of any mishaps the baby might accidentally be a part of.
Press releases will fly as “Little Tom Tom” makes his first words. Little Tom Tom’s publicist will have those press releases headed out to every family newsletter floating off the family tree. The publicist will be on the phone with the people who count, describing every detail down to the little puddle of drool, letting them know exactly how the first words went down. Finally, if there is video available, expect it to hit the net within thirty minutes of the occasion, a skill the baby publicist honed during a short stint working for TMZ.com.
With the first birthday party rapidly approaching and parents and child unable to contribute much to the planning of the party, It is the publicist who will invite the other babies who matter. The publicist will also arrange for appropriate sponsorships and keep any and all Hiltons from stealing the spotlight.
Did Baby Lily have an accident? No, not in the capable hands of your baby publicist, who will turn that accident into a “statement of defiance in the face of a society uncomfortable with its natural instincts.” Either that or a “no comment.” Also, if you were under the misapprehension that baby “got a boo-boo” from crawling full-speed into a door, you soon will learn that not only did baby not get a boo-boo, but the baby’s family is investigating whether to press charges against homebuilder for not anticipating such an obvious mishap. Finally, if a video should surface of a certain little bundle of joy, sitting naked in a basin, becoming a little too familiar with certain parts of their anatomy, well, there’s little that baby publicist can do, but the baby publicist will have age-appropriate talking points available for the baby to study.
I understand that many people are going to take umbrage when baby publicists begin multiplying and baby handling becomes routine. They may feel that we’re pushing our children to grow up too soon. Well, if a child does grow up too soon, a baby publicist will be there on the scene to let everyone know that the baby grew up in an entirely reasonable rate of time.