Earnest Pettie, comedy writer
Wendy’s has made a liar of me. A gluttonous, grease-soaked liar. I’ve been an unhealthful eater for a while now, and I’d always blamed it on the choices available to me: Big Mac, Whopper, fries, etc…. I was happy to blame those guys for calorie-bombing my system. Then Wendy’s began offering truly healthy choices. You could, for example, get a small salad instead of a side of fries with your burger. Wendy’s offers a full garden of delicious salads! Still, once I hit the drive-thru, I’m back there with my cheeseburger and fries. For a beverage, my eyes pick out the one item that multiplies the sugar intake you get from a normal soda: the Frosty Float. Curse you, Wendy! You knew that I’d never go for that small side salad!
I think Wendy’s realizes the awkward position it’s put people like me in. That’s why they’ve created this gross abomination of a burger, The Baconator. It looks like a Double Dare obstacle. Six slices of bacon on a half pound of beef. Even drinking Drano you’d look healthier by comparison. Thanks, Wendy’s, for allowing me to be a gluttonous slob by letting others be even bigger greedy blimps.