Midseason Replacement

Earnest Pettie, comedy writer

Carson Daly Hypothetical Monologue

Today, I tried to call Last Call with Carson Daly and sell him some jokes for his non-WGA monologue. I had no luck; I even tried to get the receptionist to be a front for me. If anyone knows Carson Daly, let him know that I am non-Union and willing to write average jokes–such as those that follow–at a cheap rate.

Carson Daly Hypothetical Monologue — 12/05/2007

Brad Pitt is in New Orleans making plans to rebuild the lower ninth ward. About time, right? When asked why he got involved with such a mammoth humanitarian effort, Brad said “Simple. Angelina told me to.”

The dollar is so weak, you guys, against the Euro. It’s ridiculous. Europeans are the only ones who can afford scalped Hannah Montana tickets. Someone should call Lou Dobbs about this.

In political news, Hillary is on top of the polls in Iowa, right now. When reached for comment, Bill was unsurprised. He said, “She might not look it, but she can do amazing things on poles.” That’s a little gross, but way to save the marriage, Hillary!

How many of you are into TMZ? One of the funniest things on TMZ, lately, is Aries Spears trying to get into Hyde, the popular nightclub here in LA. (show clip) One of the things we love to do here on my show help out celebrities, so here are some tips for you, Aries, to help you get into Hyde. Judging from the clip, you might want to dress up a little… you could star on a show that people watch… and if none of those help, just hide behind Kim Kardashian’s butt as she goes in. See? We love to help out celebrities. That’s why, for Christmas, we’re getting Britney Spears a microphone with a built in Breathalyzer, and for Lindsay Lohan, we’re getting… positive role models.

Don Imus is back on the radio, now. You may remember that he went off the air after making derogatory comments about black, female basketball players. Now that he’s back on the air, he’s being joined by two black comedians, one male and one female. See? He said. Some of my best friends are black!

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This entry was posted on December 3, 2007 by in Uncategorized.

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