Earnest Pettie, comedy writer
(in his bedroom, Basketball star, Lloyd Spinks, is on his knees, head bowed, hands clasped in prayer.)
Dear Lord, this is Lloyd. Lloyd Spinks. Um… After the ballgame tonight, Kobe– he plays for the other team, but you know that– he thanked you for giving his team the win and the championship, and I just want to ask… what’s up with that? Come on, God, I’ve been praying for years, and you give it to him? I mean, I’ve been praying for years! And for the NBA Championship this year. I was specific, very specific! What did I do? I went to church every week, gave my ten percent to the church, was a good role model… man! What are you doing up there? Yeah, you got me to the championships, and I’m greatful for that, but you stop there? You’ve gotta come through in the fourth quarter, God, otherwise, well, otherwise you look like I did out there. Hey, tell me Kobe prayed to win the championship specifically this year. Why don’t you just spit on me? A big holy loogie right on my head. And I’ll wear it during next year’s season opener. No offense, but you really messed up this time. I think, going forward, I’m need to make some offseason changes to see if I can’t get some improvements next season. That’s right, God, I’m turning to the darkside. I’m going to see what Satan can do for me. Maybe in addition to a championship, he can get me some sweet endorsements. Jeez, that’s more than you ever did for me. Hey, maybe I’ll start beating my wife and bullying kids. Not on my own, of course– just if Satan asks. (Lloyd sighs) I guess we’ll see how things go. Look, I have one last prayer you could help me with. I don’t know where people go to worship the devil. If you could point in the direction of a black mass or whatever it is that they do. I’d appreciate it. I’d consider it a solid. It won’t make up for not winning the championship, but it’s a start. Thanks, God.