Midseason Replacement

Earnest Pettie, comedy writer

John Edwards’ Two Americas – repost

This was published on the original version of this blog back in January, but for some reason it didn’t make the transition. Here it is, again.

Many Are Pleased With Edwards’ Vision of Two Americas

As John Edwards continues campaigning in New Hampshire, promoting his vision of Two Americas, at least half of those listening are becoming intrigued and even excited at his proposition. John Edwards sees America as having become split into two halves, a rich America and a poor America. Poor America is densely populated and underserved, many of its inhabitants from the original America’s south. On the other hand, Rich America seems an attractive place, not only for vacationing but also for living. For some this is an idea whose time has come.

“As someone who has been proactively attempting to eliminate the poor from her life,” says Mary Thompson, an economist with a brokerage firm, “I’m glad that John Edwards has come forth with an actual plan.”

John Edwards’ Two Americas plan is not entirely settled. As of this afternoon, no one has figured out exactly where to divide the two Americas. John Powers, CEO of The New Money, INC. has an idea. “We want Miami, New York, Los Angeles, and Vail, Colorado. They can have the rest. Oh yeah, also Austin and Atlanta, and they can have the rest.” When reached by telephone to inquire about the proposal, a John Edwards staffer audibly paled, “yelled ‘JOHN!’ into the distance, and hung up the telephone.

John Edwards insists that he is only vocalizing what has been on the minds of many for all too long. It’s no secret, he argues, that there are two Americas and that one is taking advantage of the other. Blake Carlson, of Tulsa, OK., agrees. “I may get my hair cut in Rich America, but then I get my shoes shined in Poor America. It’s a much better deal.” Blake Carlson is another recent Edwards convert. “Huckabee, McCain, Romney… where’s the leadership? This is the kind of thinking I want and expect from my Republicans!”

While John Edwards is making inroads with the rich, that progress may not translate into votes in New Hampshire’s primary. Many noted political analysts don’t see that as a problem given the control exercised by the rich over our electoral process. As a result the candidate with the easy smile may find himself with a difficult task this November: presiding over two Americas.


In Rich America every citizen is given a Hummer and a Prius.

Universal Healthcare is unnecessary in Rich America. While money is the root of all evil, it also has several surprising medicinal qualities.

6 out of 10 Poor Americans believe they are living in Rich America.

Rich America is morally bankrupt while Poor America is financially bankrupt. Citizens in one of the two will have a much better chance at affording that Disneyworld vacation they’ve been excited about next Summer.


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This entry was posted on February 24, 2008 by in Uncategorized and tagged , , , .

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