Earnest Pettie, comedy writer
A kid got a butter knife stuck in his head and end up on morning news shows, this week. I managed to transcribe one of the interviews. This starts just as the show comes back from break.
Wendy and Charlie, morning news anchors, are seated at the newsdesk.
I’m Wendy May, and thank you for watching Good Morning to News. OK, next up, we have our exclusive interview with the–
Charlie begins cracking up.
I’m sorry… I was reading ahead. I’ll stop.
As I was saying… our exclusive interview with the kid who has a butter knife stuck in his (she starts giggling)…. Now, I’m doing it. Thanks, Charlie. OK, the kid with the butter knife stuck in his head.
Hey, don’t forget to ask if it makes it easier for him to get the point.
Wendy stares at Charlie.
See? Get it? Because there’s a knife, and–
–I get it.
Hey, ask if it was brainless steel.
Charlie and Wendy give death stares to Gary, who’s standing in front of a green screen. The weather map turns on behind him.
Hey, listen, Gary, when we need a joke from you, we’ll ask for your resume, OK?
Gary’s smile fades. We return to the newscasters.
OK, I believe we have Greg, the kid with a butter knife sticking out of his head via satellite from his home. Good morning, Greg!
Greg appears onscreen. He’s a young teenager with a butter knife sticking out the back, right side of his head. Wendy stares for a second and then breaks out in hysterics. Charlie never had a hope of keeping a steady face.
Turn it off! Turn it off!
That kid has a butter knife… sticking out of his head!
She’s regains her composure.
OK, turn it back on. I’m ready. I’m better.
Greg is back onscreen, but the image is snowy.
It’s a little…
Greg’s mother enters next to him and begins adjusting his head.
Just a minute.
As she turns his head completely sideways, knife sticking straight up in the air, the image becomes crystal clear.
Thank you, but it looks like we’re out of time. (turning to main camera) What a brave, little boy.
A profile in courage, indeed.
Hey, it’s too bad you didn’t get to ask the dad how he supports his knife and kids!
Wendy and Charlie glare at Gary again.
Hey, we’re trying to run a professional newscast here, OK, Gary?
Gary’s had enough.
Hey, I’m a person, too. I may not have a butter knife sticking out of my head, but I deserve just as much respect as someone who does!
Gary presses some buttons on his weather remote device, and all the suns become rainclouds.
What do you think about that?
I was going to go on a picnic tomorrow….
And then they cut to a commercial