Earnest Pettie, comedy writer
Ross Lincoln is running for President of Birthday. I’m not sure who the other nominees are, whether the position has even a semblance of prestige, or whether the Presidency grants you any powers otherwise unavailable to mortals. As far as I can tell, the President of Birthday is little more than a figurehead, and I ask you, who better to be a figurehead than Ross Lincoln? Where actions are unnecessary and speeches plentiful, there Ross Lincoln stands head and shoulders above the competition. And what of his competition? It seems Ross has run a campaign so strong that it has rendered his competition invisible! Going into the election, May 3rd, Ross is the clear frontrunner for the Presidency, and with Drunken Dance Party right around the corner, his momentum seems unassailable. With gas prices hovering over four dollars a gallon, HBO appearing to have exhausted its well of quality tv shows, and Miley Cyrus showing us–over and over again–that she’s all grown up, vote for someone who has no intention of doing anything about that. Vote for a man who’s primary concern is making sure the playlist is top-notch. Elect Ross Lincoln President of Birthday at Drunken Dance Party… if you can find parking.