Midseason Replacement

Earnest Pettie, comedy writer

A Conversation Between the Guy Who Locked His Daughter in His Basement for 24 Years and His Wife.

Josef: OK, so you know how you’ve been on me to remodel the basement?

Rosemarie: Yeah…

Josef: And you know how you’ve been wanting more kids.

Rosemarie: Right, but it’s so messy–

Josef: Exactly, exactly. Well, this is going to sound crazy

Rosemarie: I hate it when you start things that way.

Josef: Now, just hear me out, OK? I’ve got many birds and one stone here. Daughter–loud music. Always with the attitude? Stick her in the basement and we get her pregnant.

Rosemarie: We?

Josef: Well, that would be mostly me, but I promise it would be a joyless gesture.

Rosemarie: It always is with you.

Josef: Hey, don’t be hurtful! I’m just trying some creative problem solving here.

Rosemarie: There’s a problem with your plan, genius.

Josef: Really?

Rosemarie: Who’ll deliver the babies?

Josef: What?

Rosemarie: The doctor– what doctor would do that?

Josef: Why do we need doctors? Listen, people gave birth without doctors for centuries. They redesigned their basements without interior designers for centuries. They impregnated their daughters without remorse for centuries!

Rosemarie: Sounds like you’re being cheap.

Josef: I’m being practical!

Rosemarie: Listen, if this is just your way of getting out of hiring an interior designer…

Josef: No, no! I can take care of all of this myself! I swear!

20 Years Later

Rosemarie: So you still haven’t finished the basement.

Josef: Well, I’ve given you a ton of kids. As promised. On time and under budget!

Rosemarie: I knew this was just an excuse not to hire an interior designer.

Four years later

Josef and Rosemarie are being led out of their home in handcuffs.

Josef: So, I’m prepared to admit that maybe I was being cheap.

Rosemarie: I can’t believe they’re going to see the basement looking that way. This is so embarrassing!


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This entry was posted on May 14, 2008 by in Uncategorized and tagged , , , , .

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