Earnest Pettie, comedy writer
Dear, The Undersigned,
I would like to thank you for your recent petition, encouraging me to become Sunnyvale’s resident superhero. You collected an impressive number of signatures which, now, are spread across my living room floor. No doubt you were called to action by my apprehension of The Murderous Duo, as captured on security camera and spread across Youtube. Well, I have to tell you that was more of a one-time thing– like bungee jumping. It was scary, and I never want to do it again. I did it just so that I could say I did. That’s the main reason that I must politely decline your invitation. Of course, there are other reasons that I consider to be equally valid.
Now, my butler, on the other hand might make an excellent superhero. I often give him Saturday nights off because he wants to go “cruisin’ for some action.” On those nights, he tells me he’s going out looking for bad boys in tight pants. I must admit that I have long suspected him of maintaining a secret life that he can only hint at.
Superstrong Heronius, III
PS. Thank you for sending the first season of Greatest American Hero on DVD. I enjoyed it.