Midseason Replacement

Earnest Pettie, comedy writer

Advice For Job Seekers

Even in the best of times, finding a job can be a painfully difficult task. Knowing when to yawn in an interview or how to indicate your membership–real or imagined–in the freemasons are the kinds of intangibles that it seems only experience can teach. That’s why I’m sharing with you the benefits of my own job search. After being turned down for a job, I would return to the employer to inquire why I hadn’t been hired. The most popular response was usually a phone call to security, but that’s only because of my unrestrained sobbing and uncontrollable dry heaves. Through my studies, I’ve learned that my biggest mistakes came from my resume, which is why I want to share some common resume mistakes with you. May you benefit from my failures; here are five things never to put on a resume.

  • Your career as a bounty hunter. Even it is it just a side job to support a burgeoning drug habit, most employers frown on moonlighting. For them, each time you screw up, there will be the lingering fear: was he up chasing bail jumpers across state borders too late last night?
  • Prior experience as the company’s president. It may have been five years since you left the company in handcuffs and disgrace, but you must never underestimate thte insecurity inherent in the hiring culture. You will appear overqualified and will not be called back.
  • Your Xbox Live achievements. It’s not that they aren’t impressive or don’t show your perseverance, there simply is not enough space.
  • MS Word or Internet. If you’ve reached hiring age and are unable to use MS Word or the Internet, odds are you are going to be applying for jobs that don’t require a resume.
  • Time spent in boy bands. Everyone experiments in college. You’re growing up, your body is changing, and you’re learning things about yourself and the world. You’re dressing like five other guys and synchronizing your dance steps to a Timbaland beat. It doesn’t matter how big your album was in Europe; leave this off your resume. Yes, this may create an unexplained gap in your employment history, but some things, like NKOTB’s decision to reunite, are better left unexplained.

There you have it– the five mistakes that kept me from achieving my dreams and that I hope you won’t make, yourself.


5 comments on “Advice For Job Seekers

  1. segan123
    June 25, 2008

    UGH darn I thought my time spent in that New Kids tribute group would be beneficial on a resume someday…but I guess not?

    Good advice, and entertaining to read!

  2. Allison
    June 26, 2008

    I find that putting “Her Excellency” before my name at the top of the resume really makes an impact (hint: also use nice paper).

  3. Earnest D.
    June 26, 2008

    Question? Do I really need to wear pants?

  4. Earnest D.
    June 26, 2008

    What if you got a really bad haircut but have a really cool hat. Can you…nevermind.

  5. Earnest D.
    June 26, 2008

    Should I bring my parole officer with me as a reference?

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This entry was posted on June 25, 2008 by in Uncategorized and tagged , , , , .

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