Midseason Replacement

Earnest Pettie, comedy writer

Games They Never Thought Could Be Movies

There are a lot of games that have been skipped over for consideration for film adaptations. Most of the time, it’s because there seems to be no reasonable way to adapt the games for the big screen. Well, if there’s no reasonable way, how about unreasonable ways? Here are some video games that probably never should be adapted for the big screen, adapted!


The game that started it all. In Pong, you move a small rectangle up and down the screen, knocking a large pixel back and forth across the screen in a simulation of tennis. Long before Wii Sports came along, this was the tennis simulator that families crowded along their wood console televisions to play. Sad, huh?

How it Could Work:

This could be a surprise sequel to Deathrace. After the nation tired of watching prisoners drive cars around, prisons began forcing prisoners to play tennis, pushing the nations’ boredom level one degree higher. The prisoners are average at best, so the prisons wire the prisoners so that they can be controlled by the guards in the stands, with plans for the home audience to be in control in the future (if the cable companies ever get that last stretch of fiber optics done). The hero of our movie is Shigeru Miyamoto 3000, whose army of gorillas goes bonkers, throwing barrels at the prison guards, releasing the prisoners from the remote-controlled deathgrips, giving them just enough time to lodge constitutional complaints against their incarceration.

Starring: Mark-Paul Gosselaar as Shigeru Miyamoto 3000.
Directed by: James Cameron

Pizza Party:

I don’t know if anyone other than the kids in this commercial have ever played Pizza Party. It looks like the sort of game that could turn a rainy day into a suicidal afternoon. I imagine that the conversation between the director and the kids in the commercial went something like this:

“Okay, guys, I want you to really look like you’re having a great time.”
“But we’re pretending to put cardboard circles on a pizza?”
“Yup! Now, when I say action I want you to laugh hysterically… why are you yawning?”

But maybe a horrible game could become a slightly less awful movie?

How It Could Work

In the post-apocalyptic future, all that remains in a pizza parlor in Minnesota. Or what used to be Minnesota but is now the Republic of Pizza Emporium. Three men, all pizza makers, rule the only building left standing without compassion or consideration. Anybody who wants shelter in Pizza Emporium must make pizza, never mind that there are no customers. One kid recognizes that while he and the other survivors are alive, they aren’t really living. He leads a bloody revolt, slicing up the oppressors with a pizza slicer, only to realize that the only way he can keep everyone alive is to keep making pizzas. He has become his own worst enemy.

Starring: Haley Joel Osment in a suprise comeback.
Directed by: Alan Smithee


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This entry was posted on September 25, 2008 by in Uncategorized and tagged , , , , .

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