Midseason Replacement

Earnest Pettie, comedy writer

In Defense of Sarah Palin

Sarah Palin recently came under fire for not being able to name a newspaper she reads. In her defense, she probably didn’t know how Weekly Parade would go over with the press. Not that I blame her. I read it, too. Not only does it have timely information regarding the whereabouts of celebrities I liked as a kid, but it always has the most provocative Sudoku and crossword puzzles. Parade also features a column by Marilyn Vos Savant, listed in the Guinness Book for having the highest IQ. Getting through that column is the equivalent of a semester at Harvard each week! All that for just the price of the Sunday Paper? It sounds as if she’s already got the know-how to solve our economic crisis. Sarah Palin reads any newspaper that’s put in front of her, and that includes the Weekly World News when she’s ringing up her groceries. It’s just one of her vast variety of sources! What other sources have information regarding pieces of toast shaped like Jesus? Alaska isn’t some remote island, hours from the mainland, culturally separate from the country… like Hawaii. Alaska is a part of this country, and news of the weird makes its way there just as easily as it makes its way to Washington DC.

Sarah Palin believes that women who have been the victim of rape or incest should avoid having abortions, and why not? Abortion is a traumatic experience. Rape frequently is preceded by at least a dinner and possibly a movie; Incest is a family activity. Abortion on the other hand takes place in the cold, dark office of a doctor you’ve probably never met before. Sarah Palin should be congratulated for having the compassion necessary to spare young girls that experience. America’s young girls will have the rest of their lives to get undressed in people’s offices. Why force them to grow up now?

There is a question of whether Sarah Palin is enough of a heavyweight to be our vice president. Well, that assertion is simply sexist. We would never question the weight of a man running for office. Of course, the automatic response is “we meant intellectual heavyweight.” Well, I would dare say that’s worse. Isn’t it, after all, a veiled suggestion that a woman who is a fat nerd is unprepared to run the country? I suppose if she were a hot nerd, otherwise known as a sexy librarian, that would be OK! Well, I denounce that sexism and suggest we just give her the Vice Presidency and flowers as an apology. Everyone knows that when you wrong a woman, it’s best to apologize quickly and profusely or you’ll have to listen to her whine until you do.

America is the kind of country where a woman can go from wanting to be a sportscaster to running for Vice President, regardless of her qualifications. That’s what makes us unique as a nation, and if you can’t support that, then may I suggest moving to a country ruled by serious people of distinct caliber?

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One comment on “In Defense of Sarah Palin

  1. Prestidigiwhut?
    October 5, 2008

    While on the subject of rape and abortion, don’t for get that Mrs. Palin is nobly saving each of us taxpayers handfuls of change every year by making those prima donna rape-victims foot the bill when they get all emo and uptight about raising the rape-child and want to get it aborted. Talk about looking a gift horse in the mouth! There are women all over the world who wish they could get pregnant, but can’t, and here are women who throw out a perfectly good baby just because they never wanted it! Hey women of Alaska, if you didn’t want it, maybe you shouldn’t have been wearing that short parka, y’know what i’m saying?
    The rape rate in Alaska is 2.5 times the national average… can you imagine how costly it would get if we had to pay for all of those exams? At the bare minimum $500 dollars one of these exams can cost, times the 529 reported rape cases in 2007, that would be over $250,000! The state only holds 670,000 people! That’d be like 39 cents per person (maybe even more, since those lazy little kids don’t pay taxes on much), and in a time where gas prices are soaring, Joe Six Pack has more to worry about than who left their sperm in who, am i right?

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This entry was posted on October 4, 2008 by in Uncategorized and tagged , , , , , , , , .

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