Earnest Pettie, comedy writer
To The brothers of the Fraternity of Evil,
Please excuse Mr. Cheney’s absence from last weekend’s monthly meeting of the fraternity of evil. As you know he had a heart attack from which he was recovering at home. Although he has been weakened by the current situation and is scarcely able to hold a remote control, let alone hold a man’s life in the palm of his hand (one of his favorite pastimes), Mr. Cheney should be back at full strength in time for the next meeting. I understand attendance at Fraternity meetings is mandatory, which he tells me is the reason you started having door prizes in the first place, but I refused to clear him for travel until his cold, unfeeling stare returned.
As you know, after Mr. Cheney’s second heart attack, we began simply replacing the heart on each successive heart attack. As per the plan developed by me, in conjunction with your Nefarious Schemes committee, each of Mr. Cheney’s new hearts has come from a virginal naif, who carries his or her innocence on their countenance like morning dew on a leaf. Rather than wait for donors to die, Mr. Cheney has found that it’s far more efficient for him to pluck the beating heart from the chest of the donor and eat it. Needless to say the donor list for these operations is very short and mostly imaginary. However, Mr. Cheney has assured me that there’s no shortage of the fresh-faced and wide-eyed to be gorged upon — whatever that means.
While I have your attention, I understand many of you have continued to question why Mr. Cheney even bothers with a heart as it tends to have a muting effect on the evil he can execute. Please remember that his body begins rejecting the heart from the moment it is placed in his near-freezing cavity, but it remains a vital part of his plan for blending in with regular humans, which you can see is almost working. Of course, his ability to express warmth remains severely limited, so every time he grimaces with pleasure, think of that as a symbolic gesture of his dedication to the fraternity.
I will also be exempting him from fundraising later this week. As his grip has grown exceptionally icy, I am worried that it will be difficult to pry the candy bars from his hands. I fully expect Mr. Cheney to be back at full strength by next month’s meeting, which he tells me should be especially fun since you’ll be remaking the map of the Middle East to suit your respective interests and will have a presentation from the local FFA club.
Respectfully and fearfully yours,